Start Drinking in High School-Pt. 3

One of my best friends in the world just doesn’t get that idea. Andrew, or as we called him, Borgy, has had some of the funniest drunken moments I’ve ever witnessed. Most of his exploits simply involve him passing out in a chair in the middle of one of our fraternity (I’ll explain later) parties and being drawn on with permanent markers. He usually ended up looking like an indigenous member of some native tribe I can’t pronounce in some country I’ll never visit.

Actually, the first night I met Borgy, he managed to make a total drunken ass of himself. It was our first frat party as pledge brothers (yes, I know his middle name) and we were having a pretty wild time at local bar/nightclub/Italian restaurant in downtown Columbia[1]. Some seniors had thrown the pledges a little pre ‘semester of hell’ party at one of their apartments within walking distance of the venue. The pre-party was authentic, macho, male-bonding. We drank too much in an attempt to prove that we weren’t pussies and talked gratuitously about all the bitches were going to take home that night. I don’t know exactly how many of us ‘scored’ that night, but I do know that Borgy tried harder than anyone.

This place was a dive, but was known for its leniency toward minors. As we all drunkenly entered the bar, we showed our fake IDs, some guys even passing back the same ID to be used by two or three guys[2]. Borgy, who was eighteen at the time, fully intended to enjoy his first college party. He knocked back cocktail after cocktail and took shots with some of his new ‘brothers.’

Most drunk guys usually seek out two things: food or women.[3] Borgy was certainly hungry that evening, but not for something to eat. He was looking for some lovin’. Although I didn’t have a close eye on him the whole evening, I couldn’t miss Borgy on the dance floor. No one could. I’m not sure who found whom, but Borgy had managed to get hooked up with a whole lotta woman. Before I go any further, I need to explain that Borgy is a big guy. At 6’1”, 240lbs he was an all-conference offensive lineman for his high school football team. He’s a pretty big dude. She was bigger.

Don’t get me wrong; I have nothing against big girls. I’m a fatty myself. The embarrassing thing

for Borgy was what he was doing to this young lady. The best way to describe it, if you can imagine, is a

cross between dry humping and the Heimlich maneuver. I can easily say that it was the funniest thing that I

would never want to see again. As they thrashed around, small crowds formed waiting for the inevitable:

he took her down, not once but twice. I had seen enough. Much like my friends in Memphis had picked

me up off Beale Street, I decided to get Borgy on the bus. Borgy had some rough nights his freshman year,

but the best was still to come.

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[1] In reference to Columbia, Missouri where I attended the University of Missouri (my 3^rd college). May be referred to as Mizzou.

[2] This establishment subsequently lost their liquor license in the coming months.

[3] I tend to just cry a lot.